PAM ALLEN
People With MS and the Courage to Give
Chapter 14: Discover Your Gifts and Share Them
I MAY NEVER AGAIN BE ABLE to play softball competitively, or run a 10K in under fifty minutes, or pack two days’ worth of activities and tasks into one day, but that’s not important to me anymore. I have learned that I can still lead a happy and productive life with MS.
In high school I was a “wanna-be” jock. I played softball, ran track, and played powder-puff football. I tried out for basketball but didn’t make the team. Honestly, I never played any sport very well, but if love for the sport could compensate for ability, I would have been a pro!
I continued to run and play softball on into adulthood—until that fateful summer day when I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.
MS introduced itself to me with numbness and tingling in my hands. I immediately went to see my internist. He could not find any reason for the loss of sensation, so he referred me to a neurologist. My EMG nerve conduction test came back abnormal. The neurologist did not order additional tests, but on the basis of the one unexplained abnormal EMG concluded that I must have carpal tunnel syndrome. He then referred me to a hand specialist. The hand specialist did not perform any tests, but concurred with the neurologist. I was skeptical about the diagnosis because my understanding of carpal tunnel syndrome was
that it was painful and I wasn’t experiencing any pain in my hands. But, not having another explanation of what was causing my hands to feel numb and tingly, I accepted the diagnosis. I spent the next two years in and out of hand braces to treat the supposed carpal tunnel.
The second clue that the diagnosis of carpal tunnel syndrome was not correct came in 1994 when I was on vacation with my family. My husband and I had just learned to scuba dive and we were on our first dive trip. We had just finished diving and as we were taking our gear back to our van I noticed that my legs were beginning to get that same numb and tingly sensation. I knew that carpal tunnel syndrome could not account for this, so I went back to my internist. He then referred me to a second neurologist, who narrowed the problem to three possibilities: a tumor on my brain, a tumor on my spine, or multiple sclerosis. I didn’t even know what multiple sclerosis was! I figured I had a tumor and was sure they would find it and remove it and life would go on. But when my new neurologist ordered additional tests, including MRIs (with and without contrast), and a lumbar puncture, the results pointed pretty strongly toward MS.
I was devastated. The neurologist’s office assistant gave me some literature on MS and suggested that I call the National Multiple Sclerosis Society for more. I followed her advice. I was determined to learn as much as I could about this disease that had invaded my body.
My neurologist had also suggested that I adjust my responsibilities and activities so that I wouldn’t get too fatigued or overheated. At the time I had two young children, a full-time job, a husband, and a household to maintain. I couldn’t possibly adjust my responsibilities or activities! I was sure that my life as I had known and enjoyed it was over. I was so afraid of not being able to fulfill all of my responsibilities. I sank into one of the darkest emotional places I have ever been.
While I was in this state of darkness, which was actually denial and depression, my oldest daughter reached the age where she could play T-ball. Halfway through the T-ball season, her team’s coach had to quit because of changes in his work schedule. A few of the other parents knew of my love and past experience with softball and asked me if I would take over. Without even considering it I said no, but I didn’t want to tell them why. At that point I hadn’t told anyone outside of close friends and family that I had MS. They kept asking and asking, and I kept saying no!
Finally one of the parents begged me to do it just “until they found someone to take over,” and I figured that was something I could do. Of course they never found a coach, and with help from my husband, I ended up finishing the season.
That turned out to be one of the best things that could’ve happened to me. For the first time in over a year I was not focused on myself and the disease. I found myself looking forward to practice, and I just loved teaching the kids the sport that I had loved for so many years. I learned so much that summer and felt like I had been given a fresh start at life! I learned that if I focused on helping others, and not on myself and the disease, my life could still be as fun and exciting as it had been before MS. That was a life-changing revelation.
I may never again be able to play softball competitively, or run a 10K in under fifty minutes, or pack two days’ worth of activities and tasks into one day, but that’s not important to me anymore. I have learned that I can still lead a happy, fulfilling, and productive life with MS. I still assist with my daughter’s softball team, giving the girls pointers on batting, fielding, or hitting. I also keep score during the games. I also have friends and family members who run many of the local road races, and whenever possible I am there to cheer them on.
I have become more organized in the rest of my life, too. I prioritize my tasks and activities and realize that anything I don’t get to do today can wait until tomorrow.
I have also had the opportunity to speak to people from all over the country who have MS. I try to encourage them to take charge of their lives so that they aren’t in the darkness of depression and denial. We all have talents and interests that others can benefit from. Although sometimes it’s tough, we cannot let MS strip us of our identities. By continuing to pursue our interests and share our talents with others, we will lead happier, healthier, and more fulfilling lives. All it takes is the Courage to Give!
